We are verging on two months. My other blog is going strong…but that is irrelevant here. What is relevant here is that I am beyond the breaking point.
Just over a year ago, I admitted to myself and to those around me that I did not want to be a teacher. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do…but I knew that I didn’t want to settle into a classroom and get stuck there for 30 years. So, for the past 365+ days, I have been seeking an alternative. The first thought was social work. I pursued graduate schools with appropriate programs (I’ve been rejected by one, accepted to another, and told that I will probably get rejected from a third). In the midst of applications though, I thought that I might want to be a counselor…so, I started looking at psych programs…short-lived ambition. I set my heart on teaching in France and applied to a program. One and a half weeks ago (April 4), I received an e-mail rejecting me from that program.
I had just known in my head and my heart that it was so right for me! I wasn’t ready for graduate school or a “grown-up” job. I just needed someplace to go for a year while I cleared my head. It was the perfect scenario–go teach in France for a year and come back with a fresh outlook on my life. But God broke my heart.
And thus, over the past eleven days, I have gone back to square one, via the five stages of grief…well, I do not think that I have quite made it to the final stage just yet. At this point, I don’t even know what to think. I spent some time feeling that the whole world was full of opportunities; but nothing is clicking. I just want to see one job somewhere…and fall in love with it…the way I did with France. Nothing is happening, though.
I feel like I need to remind God that I am here and that I am willing to GO. I want to beg him to let me GO because right now, one of the options is moving back to Arkansas. Supposedly I could find a job teaching French somewhere down there. I don’t want to go back to Arkansas.
God, I am willing to move to Africa…Asia…an inner city where my life-expectancy is lessened due to drive-by shootings. You don’t need me in Arkansas. DON’T MAKE ME GO BACK IN THE BOX.
That is how I see Arkansas. I spent the first 18 years of my life there. The last four have been spent in Missouri…not that much better. I am itching to get away to a place where people’s minds and hearts are open. I am tired of people who judge and people who hold tight to tradition. Anywhere but there…but here…please God.