The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Leading Before Being Led

Since I walked that aisle when I was 6, I have been fully involved with church activities.  I was in choir…drama…handbells…youth group…You name it, I did it.  In my youth group, I was considered one of the “leaders”…even though I am totally not one of those leadership types.  Organized?  Oh, yeah.  Stand in front of people and inspire them?  Yeah right.

And, I think part of my problem now is all of those years that I spent as a leader.  My time was spent praying for other people, doing Bible studies that taught me how to help other people, going on trips where I ministered to other people…there wasn’t a whole lot of time to focus on my own development as a Christian.  I’m not saying that I regret reaching out to others…I don’t really know what I’m saying.  I feel like my church experience was very “other-focused”.  That is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thing is not helping build children and youth up so that there is a reason behind becoming “other-focused”.  Yeah yeah…help other people see God.  But, what happens if the children and youth can’t even see God?

This might be a problem with children’s and youth ministries across the board.  They get kids to accept Christ and then, whabam!  They’re supposed to be missionaries.  Sure, they might have been in Sunday School/AWANA/Youth Ministry/insert some other church-related activity for their whole life.  But, that doesn’t mean that they fully understand the decision of salvation.  They get to take a bath at church!  Get lots of hugs (I did not enjoy that part)!  Be praised by all of the old folks!

That’s all it is.  And, that’s what the leadership roles were for me.  I got a little bit of attention (not a lot…I didn’t have one of the “up front” roles)…just enough to make me want to be in more positions of leadership.  And, the whole church knew that I was one of the really great kids who worked really hard to help the youth group and other people in the church.  I really cared about God and his people.

And now, I have this problem.  I don’t know who God is anymore.  And, I don’t know why I should care about him or his people.  I feel as though I put in years of work for “Him” and “His people” and now…I’ve been left out in the dust.  But, it’s not as though I can go tell someone that I feel this way!  I have an image to maintain…the image of someone who really cares about God and his people.

And now I have this problem…we’ve been here before.  *Big, deep, gigantic sigh*  I just want someone to tell me where to go for a change…what I need to do to find God.  Or, where I need to sit and wait for him to find me.  I’m open to either option.  I just don’t want to be the leader anymore.  I don’t know which direction to go!

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Where I’m Coming From

Perhaps before I beginning spilling my heart out about where I am in my life right now, I should give you a bit of background.  Please be warned: it will be rather general (I have a fear of online creepers).  I’m sure there are plenty of other warnings that I should give but…that’s the only one that comes to mind at the moment.

Okay…let’s start with my grandpa: he was a pastor.  There.  Enough about grandparents.  My parents met at a Bible study for singles.  I was baptized as a baby…at my grandmother’s church.  There are pictures and a cute little announcement to prove it.  I was practically raised in a church.  When I was six years old, I did that thing that lots of Christians like to call “walking the aisle” but, in reality, makes no sense out in the real world.  So, I shall elaborate.  I walked down the church aisle, talked to the pastor for a few minutes, and then he announced that I had accepted Christ as my Savior.  I know that my dad talked with me before The Walk happened but, I have no idea what we talked about.

What I do remember, though, is being so happy that day.  I’d like to think that it was God’s power coursing through my veins and filling me with a new type of joy.  But, I’m beginning to have my doubts…again.  You see, when you do something this big at age six, there’s not a lot to go back and reflect on.  I have never had an obvious God-experience, where all of a sudden my life made a 180 turn and everything became clear.  Nothing like that.  There was one little thing…but, I’m even beginning to question that now.

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