The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Timing

It is not my path to choose.

Timing is everything (well, everything that location isn’t).  In the past, I have been a very punctual person.  I like being on time, on top of things, and on point (I felt a strong need to maintain parallel structure).  Risking my reputation with tardiness is not in my playbook…well, it wasn’t.  But then I started college.

Most people become more organized and punctual when they start college.  I went the opposite direction.  I have become less structured, less organized, and less punctual.  I used to be a straight-up type A personality with OCD-ic tendencies.  I still have those tendencies, but to a much lesser degree and with much quirkier things (I went through a phase where I took three carrots, three slices of cucumber, and three sugar snap peas to lunch every day).  And I still like knowing what’s going on, so my planner is bananas!  But, when it comes to getting to those things, I’m not always there on time.

I say all of that to say that “Timing isn’t everything.”  I have come to discover that there are little moments in your life where being on time and being on top of things isn’t necessary.  Those are often the moments when whatever you are focusing on is more important than where ever you “need” to be.  Stopping to talk to my roommate.  Calling my grandmother.  Making sure that I pull the cookies out of the oven at just the right moment.

These are the little things that I am having to stop and appreciate right now.  I am student teaching; therefore, I am in school for a minimum of eight hours a day!  My time is more precious than ever, especially since I have to go to bed by 11 pm every night!  I am having to exercise a level of time management that has not been required of me since I was in high school (well, there have been weeks when things get overwhelming…but not quite to this degree of constancy).  And, I’m having to prioritize.  There are things that are having to go.  There are also things that I used to think were unimportant…they have become important.

Argh.  Timing is EVERYTHING.  Talk about a circular post.  When we bring up making sacrifices due to the limited nature of time, we are talking about time being the most precious commodity.  Everything takes time.  Nothing is free when time is our currency.  Good grief, that sucks.  I want time.  I want all the time in the world…and not just right now.  Not just to get all of my lesson plans made and dinners made.

I want time to slow down so that I can decide where I am going in my life and how the hell I am going to get there.  Yeah, that’s right.  I don’t know what I am going to be when I grow up.  And, yes, I am in my last semester of undergrad.  I’m majoring in elementary education, but I don’t want to be a teacher.  I don’t know what I want to be.  Up until recently, I’ve been okay with that.  But as the time draws closer and closer, I see other people settling into their futures.  They have jobs, graduate schools, husbands/wives.  And I have…nothing.

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…

…a time to plant and a time to uproot…

…a time to weep and a time to laugh…

…a time to be silent and a time to speak…

…He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-11 (select verses)

Then again, with God on my side, maybe I have everything that I need.  All I need is to trust.  I must be humble in my thoughts and, more importantly, in my plans.  He has the plans…they are not mine to have or mine to make.

Trust

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The Source of My Power

I started student teaching this week.  Some people call this an internship or a practicum or something else that may or may not make sense.  At my college, we just call it “student teaching”.  There are a lot of people who were excited about student teaching.  It is the last step to receiving the degree.  The last step in this four-year journey to doing what they all want to do.  Have wanted to do.

I’m not like those people.  I was, at one point in time though.  When I started college, student teaching was my goal.  I wanted to go into that classroom and just immerse myself in the process, soaking up every possible bit of knowledge in order to eventually lead my own group of students to discover all that the world has to offer.  Here I am, though, three and a half years later!  I don’t want to teach in a classroom.  Teaching in a classroom is the most terrifying thing.  I don’t wanna! (imagine a little kid throwing a tantrum…now you’ve got the picture!)

And so, I went into the whole experience with this mindset: “I know I can do this.  I have been through three and a half years of school.  Add to that all of my experience with kids and in classrooms.  All I have to do is use my knowledge and it will all be over in less than five months.  I’ve got this!”  That’s the pep-talk I used on my first day…after crying myself to sleep the night before.

What kind of crack was I smoking?  Did I really think that I could get through the next five months based on the fact that I had been to school and liked kids?  Last Sunday morning, I wrote down one thing from the service: “If I can do it on my own strength, it’s not worth doing.”

In that case, I sure as hell hope that I can’t student teach.

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Beautiful Things

Have you heard of “Gungor”?  That’s okay…it took me a while too.  Here, check them out: http://gungormusic.com/.  They have this song called “Beautiful Things”.  I like it.  The first time I heard it, I was at church.  We sang it a few times, and I always liked thinking about the words: “You make beautiful things out of us.”

That’s crazy, right?  And, then we used it as a reflection/prayer/thinking song at a girls’ Bible study one night.  And, then I finally got around to looking up the words and really really thinking about them.  They are so powerful!  I love them.  They are so true!  I can apply them to my life!

So, that power…did you read my last post?  That’s okay if you didn’t…I’m not sure that I did.  I was reflecting on God’s power and how easy it is to forget about that power and how present it can be in our lives at the present moment (haha, yes I meant to do that).  I took those French words and I wrote them on my mirror with a dry erase marker…snazzy, I know.  I saw them when I was getting ready in the morning and it was nice to just stop and reflect (whoa–another punny thing) on them.

This week, I decided to change my words: “Out of chaos life is being found in God.”  (I put in “God” instead of “you” so that I wouldn’t think that life was coming from chaos through me…that is definitely not true…I am chaos).  And, I also wrote “you make beautiful things”…I’m pretty sure I’ll remember that that one is God.  I am looking forward to getting ready in the morning (crazy since I get ready at 7 am–ew) and seeing those words.  Hopefully they will set the tone for my day and for the coming week (which looks to be fairly normal–yea!).  If I can remember that, no matter what chaos seems to be attacking me, like a midterm (yeah, I do have one of those), beauty is hiding somewhere.  I just have to patiently wait on the POWER of God to reveal itself.  He’ll put those rose colored glasses on me and I shall find the BEAUTY in the chaos…the pain…the stress…ah, those things that are my life…in which God finds beauty.  Gotta love an optimist.

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Losing Sight of the Power

Do you ever feel as if something in your life is just a little bit “off”…but you can’t say what is “off”?  Do you ever feel as though you are losing control of everything that you once controlled?  Do you ever feel so lost that you just want to give up and just be lost?

I sure hope that someone, at some point in time, has felt at least one of these things.  These feelings, and others that I cannot put into words, have been overwhelming my body and soul for the past couple of weeks.  There have been some fairly big changes going on for me recently, so maybe that is contributing to my pseudo-depression.  Or maybe I just have too much spare time on my hands to wallow in self-loathing, self-pity, self-insultations.

Last night, I sat on the landing in my apartment and just…cried…or wept.  I don’t know which verb is better fitting for the situation.  I pulled myself together and took care of some things–finding dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up, studying for a math test.  And then, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I felt those feelings seeping back up the surface so I turned to the internet–yeah!

I started searching for “inspiring Bible verses” online and, eventually, I came across one that had inspired me a while back: 2 Timothy 1:7.  I flipped through various versions/interpretations of the verse using http://www.biblegateway.com (my go-to Bible verse resource).  One of the versions said “calm” instead of “self-discipline”…and I needed calm.  But, that still wasn’t clicking right.  So, I went to the French versions and came across a French version of the verse that spoke to my heart.  It used the words: fort, amourant, et sagesse (strength, love, and wisdom).

I wrote it on my mirror so that, when I got up this morning, I would remember that I have no reason to be timid.  God has granted me everything that I need to get up and make each day count towards glorifying him with every ounce of my body (fort), heart (amourant), and mind (sagesse).

He has the power to make me, and you, better people.  He has the power to draw us into his arms and make the pain fade as we embrace the peace that lies within his love.

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