The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

No Turning Back

I just moved halfway across the country to a state I have never visited.  I am living with people I have never met.  I got a job that pays less than $900 a month (technically, it’s a “year of service” with a living stipend…AmeriCorps).  And I am more excited about the possibilities ahead of me than I have been in a very long time!

I no longer feel the need to write about “Chasing Rainbows.”  Right now, I am content to rest under a warm, blue sky and bask in the glory that is radiating down from God.  Not glory on me…but glory on all that He has done.  Moving to the Twin Cities was never part of my plan…it wasn’t even on my radar!  Working for AmeriCorps was also never on my radar.  I am a walking testament to the truth that “God’s ways are higher.”  There is reinforcement from every side that I am in the right place.  Doubts flooded my mind these past couple of weeks as I prepared for the move; but God has continually reassured me that this was His plan all along.  In thinking on this, I came across a verse:

The heart of  man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9 (ESV)

I instruct you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. (Proverbs 4:11)

I tried so many plans on my own…but they were all my plans, on my own.  It wasn’t about me.  It has never been about me!  This is all about His will and His timing.  So as I dive into this new adventure, I will be holding tight to that truth.  He has designed a path for me…better than any I could imagine.

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Oh dear.  How long has it been?  I don’t even want to try to think about that.  But, I will pause to figure out what was going on last time…pause!  Oh man, so that didn’t help at all.  So, I went to the, umm, “About Me” page (or, as I call it “Where I’ve Been”)…that’s why it took me so long to get back to you 😉

Oh man–I just used a smiley in my blog post!  Wow.  Anyways, I learned something from that other page.  I have lost sight of the purpose of this blog!  Way back then, whenever I developed that info page, I said that this blog was

“about returning to the heart of my six-year old self…the one who had a joy that I can’t describe.  It’s about warming up to the possibilities of a real relationship with a real Christ.”

Hmmm.  So, what have my last few postings been about?  I have spent my time complaining about my roommate (while claiming to not complain), wallowing in the unknown, and, on one occasion, reveling in simple beauty.  That might be swayed into the darker side of emotions.  But, when I look back, I feel like my thoughts are painfully self-centered.  It’s hard to figure out how I will ever get my heart back to that six-year old heart.

I have just got to:

1. Stop wallowing in the negative.

2. Dwell in the positive.

3. Recognize that I have no power.

4. Revel in knowing that God has the power.

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Losing Sight of the Power

Do you ever feel as if something in your life is just a little bit “off”…but you can’t say what is “off”?  Do you ever feel as though you are losing control of everything that you once controlled?  Do you ever feel so lost that you just want to give up and just be lost?

I sure hope that someone, at some point in time, has felt at least one of these things.  These feelings, and others that I cannot put into words, have been overwhelming my body and soul for the past couple of weeks.  There have been some fairly big changes going on for me recently, so maybe that is contributing to my pseudo-depression.  Or maybe I just have too much spare time on my hands to wallow in self-loathing, self-pity, self-insultations.

Last night, I sat on the landing in my apartment and just…cried…or wept.  I don’t know which verb is better fitting for the situation.  I pulled myself together and took care of some things–finding dinner, doing laundry, cleaning up, studying for a math test.  And then, as I was getting ready to go to bed, I felt those feelings seeping back up the surface so I turned to the internet–yeah!

I started searching for “inspiring Bible verses” online and, eventually, I came across one that had inspired me a while back: 2 Timothy 1:7.  I flipped through various versions/interpretations of the verse using (my go-to Bible verse resource).  One of the versions said “calm” instead of “self-discipline”…and I needed calm.  But, that still wasn’t clicking right.  So, I went to the French versions and came across a French version of the verse that spoke to my heart.  It used the words: fort, amourant, et sagesse (strength, love, and wisdom).

I wrote it on my mirror so that, when I got up this morning, I would remember that I have no reason to be timid.  God has granted me everything that I need to get up and make each day count towards glorifying him with every ounce of my body (fort), heart (amourant), and mind (sagesse).

He has the power to make me, and you, better people.  He has the power to draw us into his arms and make the pain fade as we embrace the peace that lies within his love.

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