The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Being Still

I went on an excursion yesterday.  There’s a local “mountain” that I enjoy climbing.  There is a steep path that leads to the base of a pile of rocks.  Multiple crevices between the rocks make summiting an easy task.  It is a climb that I have done several times, each time enjoying it just as much as the last.  Sometimes I have someone to go with me, but more recently I’ve been hitting the trail solo…which I love.

A place to focus

When I am sitting on top of that little mountain all alone, the world tends to fade away.  It becomes easy to focus on things.  Yesterday, I focused on my life.  I talked to God about the overwhelming pressure that I am feeling from every side.  My parents are pressuring me to get a job, completely natural.  The problem is that they are pressuring me to get ANY job.  I don’t want any job…I want a job that will allow me to tap into my passion…go beyond myself…do something worthwhile!  It’s not just my parents, though.  My friends are starting to drop hints that maybe I should focus on the “now”…what can I do right now to better myself?  One friend said that I should just look at it as “just detouring” and another, after mentioning an opening in accounting (blah!) at her husband’s company, said she was “just letting [me] know there are options.”

With all of this, it’s easy to get overwhelmed.  I want to do what is right by God…not my parents, not my friends, not even me.  God’s plan is the only one that concerns me right now…and that’s what I could focus on while I was sitting on top of the mountain.

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Do you ever have a split second where you just question everything?  Your faith, your family, your goals, your life…everything?  Okay, that’s really intense.  Let’s tone it done a bit. Have you ever had a split second where you question your faith?

A while back, I had one of those moments.  I can’t explain why it happened (or why it has ever happened).  I’m just going through my life and all of a sudden, I am overwhelmed by the question “Is my God the right one?”  A while back, someone told me that it’s healthy to question God.  I’m not sure, though, that this falls into that category.  This is purely falling into a unexpected, unexplained state of doubt where I can no longer determine which way is up and which way is down.

When I get to such a confused place, I kind-of have to just shut the questions off.  I can’t dwell in a place of darkness and pain and dangerous questions.  Instead, I have to focus on the known.

  • God loves me
  • God wants me to be happy.
  • God has a plan.

That’s what I know.  It doesn’t seem like a lot; but sometimes, that’s all that I have to go on.  And, in my life, I can’t help but keep going.  Stopping is not an option.  Dwelling on the unknowns, dwelling on the doubt…not an option.  And thus, I throw myself into knowing God and dwelling in his love, reveling in his blessings.  That is when I have the opportunity to let go of the doubt…and become doubtless.

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An Affair To Remember

Last Sunday (as in–not yesterday), I heard a sermon about love (how great is it that someone was willing to by-pass the typical 9/11 spiel to talk about something as beautiful and pure as love?!).  But, it wasn’t exactly about loving others when they do bad things.  It was about developing a loving, passionate relationship between me and God.

Relationships are not my forte.  To be blunt, I suck at relationships.  I prefer to be independent and self-centered…especially independent.  I don’t like thinking about how I am incapable of controlling my own life or developing a path to success for myself.  In reality, success should not be my ultimate goal…unless success is defined as: falling in love with God over and over and over again.  And, I am far from qualified to control my own life.  I have no experience in control (unless you count the attempts I have made over the past 21 years).

This blog is rambling on and on…this, I know.  I should get to the point…a point!  I want to fall hopelessly and eternally in love with God.  But, that is terrifying because when you FALL, by definition, you have no control over what is happening or where you are headed.

I’m slightly a control freak…Type A…perfectionist…OCD…there are plenty of labels that work and they have all been used to refer to moi.  Now, I have something to be proud of–I’m not as control freak-ish as I was three years ago when I started college (most people get more organized/controlled/etc…I did the opposite).  Nevertheless, I am still terrified of letting go of EVERYTHING…signing over all the control to God (He’s the one who actually has it…right?)…and falling.

Love affairs are typically spontaneous.  They break the rules.  They inspire new feelings and new discoveries.  Let’s hope my love affair goes so “well”.

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