The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

The Stove is On

Do you know what’s terrible?  I don’t even remember the last thing I wrote about.  So, I am just going to jump into something new…maybe…there is the slight possibility that this is old…but, no.  I’m pretty sure that it’s new-ish.

I am, and have been, involved with a Christian organization on my college campus.  This year, things have been going really well for the group.  We have grown a lot, developed a solid leadership team, and expanded a pile of ideas.  Last semester, two small groups tried to take off…the boys’ group had a successful take-off and is still flying high.  The girls’ group, on the other hand, has experienced a lot of turbulence.  Needless to say, it’s hard getting a group of college students together in the same place at the same time.

This semester though, the girls are flying high!  We’ve had two meetings and they have both gone really well.  Why am I sharing all of this with you?  Well, umm…I have more or less led the studies both times.  This is a HUGE deal for me.

I was terrified.  I am still terrified.  I shall remain terrified for the remainder of my time leading this study.  I do not feel that I am, uhh, qualified to lead a Bible study/discussion.  And, I am not confident that I know God well enough.

Does that make any sense?  Anyways, our first meeting consisted of a discussion about what the girls’ wanted out of the Bible study.  That wasn’t too difficult.  This week though, Monday to be specific, we got into a bit of meat.  People talked…my greatest fear was that the room would be full of crickets.

So, here is what is going to happen!  I am going to translate my penciled notes into a blog posting…that will appear tomorrow…I think.

Why in the world would I do this?  Well, let’s just put it this way: the stove is turned on and I might start warming up.

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Leading Before Being Led

Since I walked that aisle when I was 6, I have been fully involved with church activities.  I was in choir…drama…handbells…youth group…You name it, I did it.  In my youth group, I was considered one of the “leaders”…even though I am totally not one of those leadership types.  Organized?  Oh, yeah.  Stand in front of people and inspire them?  Yeah right.

And, I think part of my problem now is all of those years that I spent as a leader.  My time was spent praying for other people, doing Bible studies that taught me how to help other people, going on trips where I ministered to other people…there wasn’t a whole lot of time to focus on my own development as a Christian.  I’m not saying that I regret reaching out to others…I don’t really know what I’m saying.  I feel like my church experience was very “other-focused”.  That is not a bad thing.  What is a bad thing is not helping build children and youth up so that there is a reason behind becoming “other-focused”.  Yeah yeah…help other people see God.  But, what happens if the children and youth can’t even see God?

This might be a problem with children’s and youth ministries across the board.  They get kids to accept Christ and then, whabam!  They’re supposed to be missionaries.  Sure, they might have been in Sunday School/AWANA/Youth Ministry/insert some other church-related activity for their whole life.  But, that doesn’t mean that they fully understand the decision of salvation.  They get to take a bath at church!  Get lots of hugs (I did not enjoy that part)!  Be praised by all of the old folks!

That’s all it is.  And, that’s what the leadership roles were for me.  I got a little bit of attention (not a lot…I didn’t have one of the “up front” roles)…just enough to make me want to be in more positions of leadership.  And, the whole church knew that I was one of the really great kids who worked really hard to help the youth group and other people in the church.  I really cared about God and his people.

And now, I have this problem.  I don’t know who God is anymore.  And, I don’t know why I should care about him or his people.  I feel as though I put in years of work for “Him” and “His people” and now…I’ve been left out in the dust.  But, it’s not as though I can go tell someone that I feel this way!  I have an image to maintain…the image of someone who really cares about God and his people.

And now I have this problem…we’ve been here before.  *Big, deep, gigantic sigh*  I just want someone to tell me where to go for a change…what I need to do to find God.  Or, where I need to sit and wait for him to find me.  I’m open to either option.  I just don’t want to be the leader anymore.  I don’t know which direction to go!

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