The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Doubt…less

Do you ever have a split second where you just question everything?  Your faith, your family, your goals, your life…everything?  Okay, that’s really intense.  Let’s tone it done a bit. Have you ever had a split second where you question your faith?

A while back, I had one of those moments.  I can’t explain why it happened (or why it has ever happened).  I’m just going through my life and all of a sudden, I am overwhelmed by the question “Is my God the right one?”  A while back, someone told me that it’s healthy to question God.  I’m not sure, though, that this falls into that category.  This is purely falling into a unexpected, unexplained state of doubt where I can no longer determine which way is up and which way is down.

When I get to such a confused place, I kind-of have to just shut the questions off.  I can’t dwell in a place of darkness and pain and dangerous questions.  Instead, I have to focus on the known.

  • God loves me
  • God wants me to be happy.
  • God has a plan.

That’s what I know.  It doesn’t seem like a lot; but sometimes, that’s all that I have to go on.  And, in my life, I can’t help but keep going.  Stopping is not an option.  Dwelling on the unknowns, dwelling on the doubt…not an option.  And thus, I throw myself into knowing God and dwelling in his love, reveling in his blessings.  That is when I have the opportunity to let go of the doubt…and become doubtless.

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Telling Doubt to “Shut Up!”

Would you like to hear something very sad?  The pastor of the church I am currently attending is sick…well, recovering from an oober infection.  So, he has not been in church for the past several weeks.  This means that various members of the church have been presenting the “sermon” over the past several weeks.  Last week, the lead guy in the worship team presented a “sermon”/lesson/devotion…yeah.  He shared story of Jesus walking on water from Matthew 14.  He shared this story and then moved on to a few points.  But, there is one that kind of stuck with me.

When we let doubt slip into our mind, we have a tendency to start sinking.  I completely understand this concept.  I started classes last week…and I’ve still been putting in 20-30 hours at work per week…and I started working on the school paper…and I’m on leadership for this other organization…and…good grief, it never ends.  This would all be fine and dandy if everything could remain calm and organized.  Does anything ever stay calm and organized?

ABSOLUTELY NOT.  It defies the laws of nature…like Murphy’s…or something like that (if anything can go wrong, it will…right?).  Anyways, enough science mumbo jumbo (I love how, after one sentence, I’m just done with it…I tried to help my roommate with her physics homework tonight…it was better than my econ homework).  So…parentheses killed my train of thought.

Little things start to go wrong…either I forget to do a homework question, or I miss a quiz question, or I don’t get an e-mail that I’m waiting for.  Those little things have no right to mess up my life.  Unfortunately, those little things weasel their way into my brain and begin to eat away at my self-confidence, but more importantly, at my reliance on God.  I like to think that I am strong and independent.  But without God, I am nothing.

I must never doubt that, no matter what kinds of weasels are living in my brain, God IS in control.  I have to tell doubt to “shut up” and get out of my brain…no weasels for me.  I’m more of a cat person.

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The Stove is On

Do you know what’s terrible?  I don’t even remember the last thing I wrote about.  So, I am just going to jump into something new…maybe…there is the slight possibility that this is old…but, no.  I’m pretty sure that it’s new-ish.

I am, and have been, involved with a Christian organization on my college campus.  This year, things have been going really well for the group.  We have grown a lot, developed a solid leadership team, and expanded a pile of ideas.  Last semester, two small groups tried to take off…the boys’ group had a successful take-off and is still flying high.  The girls’ group, on the other hand, has experienced a lot of turbulence.  Needless to say, it’s hard getting a group of college students together in the same place at the same time.

This semester though, the girls are flying high!  We’ve had two meetings and they have both gone really well.  Why am I sharing all of this with you?  Well, umm…I have more or less led the studies both times.  This is a HUGE deal for me.

I was terrified.  I am still terrified.  I shall remain terrified for the remainder of my time leading this study.  I do not feel that I am, uhh, qualified to lead a Bible study/discussion.  And, I am not confident that I know God well enough.

Does that make any sense?  Anyways, our first meeting consisted of a discussion about what the girls’ wanted out of the Bible study.  That wasn’t too difficult.  This week though, Monday to be specific, we got into a bit of meat.  People talked…my greatest fear was that the room would be full of crickets.

So, here is what is going to happen!  I am going to translate my penciled notes into a blog posting…that will appear tomorrow…I think.

Why in the world would I do this?  Well, let’s just put it this way: the stove is turned on and I might start warming up.

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On Being Spit

If you are familiar with the Bible, then you’ve probably heard the verse about lukewarm water being an abomination to God..and, thus, you know where the title of this blog comes from.  But, you may not know why exactly.

Actually, it should be pretty clear.  I am a lukewarm Christian.  There was a point, this past summer, when I completely admitted to myself and to God that I doubted his existence.  It was one of those painfully brutal moments…I was sitting in the prayer chapel of a church in France.  There were three other people down there.  Two were noisy, obnoxious tourists and one was down there trying to enjoy some quiet.  And, then there was me.  The chairs were wooden and the floors were concrete.  It was cold and damp.  I just looked up at the names engraved in the ceiling and wondered where God really was…where He would be.

I let my mind run its course and it finally led me to the conclusion that “God might not exist.”  I sat in that basement just letting that thought roll around in my head…like a piece of hard candy.  Only this piece of candy lasted for a while.  It was still there when I sat in a pew at my home church next to my parents.  By the time I returned to school this fall though, it was a very tiny piece of candy.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure that I will ever be free from this piece of sugary torture.  I am a logical person and God is not completely logical…ever.  I look at my life and I feel as though he has been there.  There are particular moments when I know that he was there…but then there are moments when I can’t help but wonder: Why?  How?

What the hell is going on with this world that we live in?  I feel like the my life, that the whole world, is spinning out of control and absolutely nothing, short of an incredibly large meteorite, is going to stop it.  Moments in my life my heart is so on fire for God that I can barely stand it.  Then, though, there are the moments when my heart is so cold that it feels like it might burn my soul.  So cold that it’s hot.

Yet I’m still a lukewarm Christian.  An abomination to God.

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