The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Out of My Control

I like control.

I never have control.

This is something that I am continually noticing as I progress through my life.  When I graduated from high school, I had a plan.  Screw that.  As I approached my senior year of college, I had a really great plan.  Screw that.  I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Just throw a hammer at that.

Time and again, I am reminded that I am NOT in charge of my own life.  That often makes me nervous (see first sentence in this post).  But then some little thing happens and I become thankful that I’m not in control.  God has a way of popping into my life at the moment when I need Him most…when I am about to get lost in my own head.

I was sitting around, trying to figure out a budget.  As an AmeriCorps member, that is very important.  My income is pretty tiny…and, as anyone can tell you, living is expensive.  So, I have these numbers swimming before me (there are also numbers about volunteering hours, intervention scripts, interstates…but those are for another day).  I am wondering how much I can really afford to spend on food if I want to be able to drive to work.  A new song pops onto Pandora:

I’ve got waves that are tossin’ me

Crashin’ all over my beliefs

And in all sincerity, Lord

I wanna be Yours

You Lead by Jamie Grace

This isn’t a new song to my ears, but in that moment the words were so deep and fresh that it seemed new.  I do not belong to this world or the restrictions of my budget in this world.  I belong to God.  And even when I don’t see how things will work out…He’s got it under control (as long as I don’t busy-body my way in to the driver’s seat).

The song goes on to say, “I know what You got for me is more than I can see.”  Just another reminder that God had waiting for the right moment and the right time.  My eyes pick up on the “right now.”  I have spent the past week in trainings and orientations…and it has been pretty miserable.  My brain is so wrapped up in the details that my heart has lost sight of why I am here.

1) God put me here.

2) I have an opportunity to do what I LOVE.

3) No one expected me to move halfway across the country to not get paid (I love surprising people)…that’s just bonus.

With all of that being said…man, it’s great to be reminded who’s in control.  And fifteen minutes later as I am wrapping up this post, Pandora continues to surprise me.  Who knew that God controlled the radio?!?

How great is our God.

Sing with me….

(Chris Tomlin)

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Disordered Me

Trust…that’s what my last blog post was about…that was over a month ago.  I wrote that on a particularly good day.  I don’t remember all of the circumstances, but I’m sure that they included a pretty empty week (i.e. no tests), cool weather, a nice breeze, and the perfect pot of coffee.  I haven’t had many days like that lately.  I haven’t had a “pretty empty” week in a while.  I had a presentation, a test, and a paper last week.  This week, I’ve had a presentation, a quiz (worth 30-50 points), a paper, and tomorrow I have two tests.  So…what am I doing “wasting” precious study time writing this random blog post that no one is going to read?

I have no stinkin’ idea…well, maybe an idea…I’m not sure about its stink-factor, though.  Last night, I had a conversation with God.  I’m just going to practice trust and be perfectly honest with you.  That was the first REAL conversation that I’ve had with him in a while.  So, what constitutes a “REAL” conversation with God?  Well…let’s just say that I wasn’t doing all of the talking.  I was actually being still and quiet and trying to hear what He really want me to hear…instead letting my obsessively logical mind do all of the talking.  I think part of my problem is that I have several characteristics of a couple of personality disorders (one of my roommates is currently in a class called Abnormal Psychology).  #1: Schizoid personality disorder.  Google it if you really want to know…then read some of my other posts…specifically the one on Trust.  #2: Obsessive compulsive personality disorder.  Not OCD, but OCD-ish.  And, I’ve always said that I have OCD-ic tendencies.  So, it fits…in my mind.  Google it if you really want to know more.  The problem when I was having this conversation with God arose from the OCPD: letting other people have control.

I like to do things the way I like to do things.  Group projects are pure torture because I have to trust other people and let them do things their way.  I have to let them have some control.  I can’t delegate.  We need to do a handout?  I’ll do that.  PowerPoint?  Why don’t I do that too…and the six page paper…I’ll knock that out too.  That’s pretty much how group meetings go when I’m involved.

So, that being said…you can get an idea of how the conversation with God went last night.  He wants to have control over my life but…I like running the show myself.  For some reason, I think that I can do a better job than He can.  But, ya know, He has a lot more experience with the whole “life running” thing.

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