The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store

Trrruussss…

on October 3, 2010

Trust.  Yeah, there I said it.  It’s hard for me.  I can’t tell you why, mostly because I honestly have no idea.  A lot of people with trust issues can cite the cause as a untrustworthy parent…neighbor…sibling.  But, my parents were completely trustworthy…okay, they’re parents.  So, there’s no “completely” (unless it precedes “embarrassing”) with much of anything.  Neighbors were always great people who fed the dog when we went out of town…or, they were people whose dogs I fed.  Siblings…yeah, don’t have any.  Basically, I have no deep dark secret in my past that should make me as untrusting as I am.

But, here I am.  I’m constantly paranoid that my two roommates/best friends hate me.  And, I dread going to see my family because I know that, in my absence, they have discussed my many, many faults.  Then, of course, there is the chance that my parents are keeping secrets from me (back to the “completely” comment earlier–they have kept plenty of things from me).

Enough of that.  I have trust issues, so I don’t want to tell you all about everything…because I don’t trust you.  Go figure.  I do want to tell you though, about church…the service I went to this morning, to be more specific.  Actually, I need to back up a bit…just to fill in some holes that will appear as I go into this morning’s church service.

Back in August, my grandmother was diagnosed with lymphoma.  She started chemotherapy Thursday.  It’s scary, ya know?  I have so many memories about her and, I’m not done making memories.  Wednesday, my car got vandalized.  Short version?  Some drugged out creeper made his way through midtown leaving a trail of violence and destruction.  By the time I actually talked to the police, the guy was in custody.  The damage done to my car was pretty harsh, but given the circumstances, everything is fine.  The drugged out guy could have easily entered in our unlocked home…where my roommate was studying…alone.  I could have been walking home at just the wrong moment and been vandalized.  Or, he could have done some more serious damage to my car.

In both of these situations…God’s presence is, umm, very obvious.  We took communion this morning…the same way we do on the first Sunday of every month.  The past couple of times, I haven’t partaken…I did not feel worthy.  I have been so very far away from God for the past year that taking part in such a sacred tradition seemed so wrong.  Today though, as I sat in my seat, I reflected on the past few weeks.

I wanted to question God…ask why I am living so very far away from him…ask why my world is so broken…ask why relationships are so impossible.  I questioned.  And, he answered:

I’ve always been here.

You can always trust me.

Those are two things that I have needed to hear for my whole life.  And, this morning, it was almost like they were an echo.  God has been in my head saying these things for the past 20 years…and, for the past year, I’ve just tuned them out.

I’m ready to trust.  To trust God, my family, my friends, and strangers (that I’ve almost always trusted a little too much).  I do not have to fear living life because I know that I will never be abandoned.  God will never leave me, nor forsake me.

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