The Twin Cities Rainbow Chaser

moving across the country…to discover what God has in store


on August 5, 2010

I suck at relationships.  That might be why my relationship with God is off the map right now…as in “location unknown” off the map.  And, I’m not talking about relationship-relationships (i.e. dating), just relationships in general.

My parents and I…ahh.  Sometimes it feels great but other times, I feel like they’re suffocating me…actually, I feel suffocated more times than not.  Here lately though, I think I might have been a, um…jerk, to put it mildly.  I have no desire to spend time with my parents or talk to them about life in general.  I don’t really know why I have them.  Yes, I know the story of the birds and the bees.  But, honestly…other animals separate themselves from their parents early in life.  Why don’t humans follow suit?

I suppose that it is perfectly natural for me to feel this way.  I took a class called “Human Growth and Development” and the chapter on puberty had about a page of text about parent-child relationships.  So, I know I’m not alone in feeling suffocated and such.  But, this isn’t limited to intra-family relationships.  It extends into my extended family…I really see no point in any of them.  Most of the time, I think they would prefer that I didn’t show up for Christmas morning.  (This is not a cry for help.  I am not suicidal.  I am only trying to be honest…brutally honest.) Let’s break it down like this:

I have been on the Dean’s List every semester since I began college.  Last year, I got an award for my high GPA (i.e. 4.0…I no longer have that snazzy grade).

I’m a college student with a double-major and double-minor.

I spent the first part of my summer in France…studying German (haha, no.  I was studying French).

I graduated in the top 5th of my high school class with every honor possible and got some snazzy scholarships to a very upscale (i.e. preppy–hate that word) university.

Okay…enough of “bragging”.  That’s just a short list of my accomplishments over the past several years.  Now, we should ask a question:  Is my family proud of me?  The overwhelming answer would be: “No.  Why should I be?”  Remember, I’m being brutally honest.  I think I took the wrong turn when I got so involved with church and actually enjoyed it.  And, my next mistake was not pursuing any athletic extra-curriculars (i.e. cheerleading).  Then, there’s my issues with football players and coaches (I do not really like them).  And, the fact that I don’t really care what people think about me…at least, not to the caliber that the rest of my family cares.

I visited my grandmother and grandfather this past weekend.  Sure, they asked about what I had been up to.  But, I am always cautious about what I tell my grandmother because she has a tendency to tell the rest of the world…with her own twist.  And, my grandfather, well, he’s just not the sentimental, over-invovled grandparent-y type of person.  And, I should have mentioned this: my grandparents are divorced.  This past weekend I saw my grandfather’s “lady-friend” and she told me something that nearly made me want to cry: “We’re really proud of you.”  Does my grandmother tell me that?  Or my aunt or uncle?  (Actually, one aunt does…but, she married into the family late in the game, so she’s just as ostracized as the “lady-friend”.)  It takes someone from outside of this blood circle to feel pride at my accomplishment.  To make me feel as though all my my hard work, sweat, tears, and mental breakdowns have been worth it!

Wow.  That was a humongous rant on my family.  If you read that whole thing…thank you for caring…and, I’m sorry for your torture.  I didn’t mean for this post to turn into that but…that’s just where the words carried my fingers.  But, I feel a little better now.  Not better enough to turn and run back to God.  I think I have a long way to go before I reach that point.  Just better enough to look my family in the eye at Thanksgiving and not feel the need to bite their ears off.

I can’t help but wonder though…why on earth did God stick me with these people who I have nothing in common with?  Family should be the place you can go when the world rejects you.  I go to the world when my family rejects me.  In fact, the times when I feel most rejected and ostracized are those times when I’m around my family.  I’m tired of caring what they think of me.  How they feel.  So, why do I continue to suffer by subjecting myself to time with them?  My mom (i.e. family).


Tell me about your rainbow chase!

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